I wear my out…

Psychology –

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The thing is…
S was just for one thing…
I was just for one thing…

I feel better now. I felt depressed earlier. I had a long nap. I think I was exhausted from lack of sleep. I saw my beautiful little granddaughter as well, how can you be depressed when you look at that little angel…

Of course I suffered from depression when my kids were about, but I always tried to smile, to be happy. I feel guilty that I went through depression, sometimes really bad, when they were young…

I got myself through it. I done so called cognitive therapy on myself, but…Sometimes certain things come back to haunt me. I literally wish I had never got back in touch with S…

Yeah! Great play, the best. but from the beginning…………………………………Blogged sooo! much of that crap. Just look back over my blogs. {Private blogger blog} It’s all about the crap those obnoxious scum bags put me through. For no apparent reason, other then I am different & they are arse holes…

Hmmm!
Or both…
My heart broke…
My mind opened…
Now…Ummm!
Gawd! my blogging
actually make it worse…
See now I’m thinking
about my thinking
& thinking
‘Did I cause the crap???’
EH?

It is time to let go. Move on. Get over it…but…There is a decade of me enabling c***s to fill my head with bollocks in the c**ting name of hedonism. So is hedonism far from good. Yeah! I’m in it for so called pleasure…

What pleasure? Ohhh! Yeah! I enjoyed playing with S. I enjoyed parties. I ignored the rude, ignorant, bullying, jealous c**ts, I rose above. Then after 9 years of regularly being part of the scene, an active part of the scene, I finally lost my confidence. Thanks to the biggest, most obnoxious, most jealous, most malicious, most vindictive, most evil ‘C**T!’ of them all…

Whilst I allow myself to think about the evil bitch from hell. I am keeping myself back…but…then again, is surrounding myself in shallow numbness towards the reality of the psycho’s in the scene a good thing to aspire to…{Sighs!}

Sooo! Instead of blogging what I think of them. I should start looking at it psychologically. I’m interested in psychology. The thing is, in media. On all murder mystery, dramas. BDSM is considered a joke. Something to laugh at. Or all about psychopaths. Media portrays sadists as psychopaths & masochist as victims, usually dead ones…

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I wish I could numb myself down,
into shallow ‘same old same old’
conforming sheep-ness!
Nah! Or should that be ‘Baaa!’ {HeeHee}

See. I think too deeply. Then another part of my life ‘Paganism’ ‘witchcraft’ We’re portrayed in the media as inbred country nutjobs, or evil, or just completely weird & mad…I was watching endeavour last night. That had the mad villagers, celebrating the summer solstice…Sooo! what chance have I got lol. Not that I do rituals, or go around chanting. To me, witchcraft is all about the power of your own mind, your intentions, what you believe, what feels right, nature, the universe, logical thinking…etc etc…Spells are basically symbolism, intentions, your mind, what you believe…

An INFJ negative…’Thinking!’ Soooo! deeply. Do I want to go around as a conforming sheep…Hmmm? GAWD! NOOOO! I am proud to be me ‘Different!’ Though I do need to start working more on this scene thing & this witch thing. I see why the media portrays us BDSM & ‘assumed’ satanist as good murder mystery material, I usually laugh at it…but…Is it good for me in the long term…

Ummm!
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